why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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