I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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