I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize