dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
