i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
