He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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