What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You are a genius and a whore.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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