dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
