She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
