He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
