So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
