If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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