did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
