It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
