just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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