You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
