I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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