K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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