I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
