I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
