there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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