she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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