I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
