uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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