If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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