Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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