Dual....:-)
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
