i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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