we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
