I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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