I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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