I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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