just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
