4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
