U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
