hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So many bounce houses so little time
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
