Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
