why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
