i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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