i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
