I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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