If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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