Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
