MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
