you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
