Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
