anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
