All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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