The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
