Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
